Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Why I Can't Grow a Beard

I feel vindicated.

It's generally understood and accepted by me and everyone who knows me that I'll probably go my whole life without having once ever grown a respectable beard. I just can't do it. It's not that I don't give it enough time, or that I don't try visualization techniques or mind over matter...I just can't do it. There are two technical issues at hand here:

1) I can't get it to connect at a crucial beard structural point, just to either side of my chin. This is kind of what brings the various segments (moustache, soul patch, van dyk, sideburns) together in a Voltron-like way to snap in and form the Beard. It's like they all just say "fuckit," and quit at the last crucial moment.

2) Mom's a redhead, and so I grow red hair in patches and highlights. My "beard" grows in all blondy-red, so when it's not fully grown in it looks completely shitty, and you can't even see half of it in the daylight. Shittier, that is, than when it's reached its full glory.

This is so much bullshit. My little brother could grow a full, adult beard when he was like 13. He's not as freakish as a former teammate of mine -- who could shave, then sit down and focus really hard and have a glorious, kenny rogers-like mane in like 20 minutes -- but it's still a huge pantload that I can't grow enough beard to look like my idol, Sam Elliott.

Anyway, I was in the Starbucks this morning, getting my morning mocharino, when i saw a guy hop off his Razor scooter (don't people only use those as ejection escape pods for Segways nowadays?) and swagger on in. This guy had THE SHITTIEST MOUSTACHE I HAVE EVER SEEN. I couldn't take my eyes off of it, and I'm sure other people were feeling the same as me...simultaneously appalled and intrigued.

I thought of a way to describe this guy's filthy 'stache to you in a way you can simulate at home: with your non-writing hand, make like you're indicating the number 3 with your fingers (peace sign plus one, for Kofner and other visuospatially retarded people), turn your hand upside-down, and hold it against your upper lip. That's what it looked like, only dark brown.

See, now I'm totally relieved. Now I can grow whatever kind of miserable shit on my face that I want, safe in the knowledge that someone out there DEFINITELY looks worse than I do.